Dear Mrs. Beckham,
There was a time, not too long ago, when what constituted female physical attractiveness was quite limited, to say the least. This was especially true when it came to weight and size: you couldn’t be too fat or too thin, but being thin was always better than being fat.
But times have changed. These days, it is widely accepted that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Modern science and medicine have shown that there are different body types, and that some people are more predisposed to weight gain than others. Better yet, it has proven that physical appearance alone is often not an accurate indicator of health.
Personally, I’m glad. I like that the idea of beauty is no longer narrow, and that women of all physical appearances can be appreciated. What I like even more is that it is largely unacceptable to treat someone poorly just because of her weight or size.
But wait…what was that song about bass versus treble? You know, the one whose singer was “bringing booty back” and wanted her listeners to “go ahead and tell them skinny bitches”? Nicki Minaj also made her message loud and clear while ripping off early ’90s one-hit wonder Sir Mix-a-Lot: “Fuck you if you skinny bitches, what?!”
Since common 21st century wisdom dictates that celebrities are role models with the power to make their young fans forget whatever their parents have taught them, we should probably start taking such a message seriously. I mean, being too skinny is unhealthy, right?
But what about being fit? That involves a clean, sensible diet and regular exercise. The best part is, just about any able-bodied person can do this, regardless of whether you’re single, attached or a mother. There are even people who can help you along the way! Great, no?
Actually, no. Like I said, times have changed. These days, being proud of what you’ve achieved is tantamount to “shaming” those who have not achieved the same. Showing that a regular person can indeed be fit and healthy is equivalent to telling fat people they are lazy, useless and inferior. Trying to motivate others who want to make positive change in their lives is another way of looking down your nose at them. And we wouldn’t want that, would we?
Take it from Miss Minaj herself, who knows the value of ample lady lumps. She knows the ideal female figure consists of a derrière with its own gravitational field, and a rack that can double as a weapon with which to suffocate your enemies. She even put her money where her mouth was, and went out to buy herself some of that:
So imagine my great disappointment when I read that you’d bowed to the pressures of the fashion industry, and put those awful skinny models on the runway for your show at New York Fashion Week.
Oh, dearie me. Mrs. Beckham, you really should have known better. But in case you still don’t, let me break it down for you. Woman to woman, here’s how it works:
1. Even if your models do not suffer from any illnesses, if they are anywhere below a size 8, do not put them on the runway.
2. Size up. Think big. The bigger the models, the more applause you’ll get. You will be a media darling if you put overweight models on the runway. Overnight, you will be lauded a champion of “body positivity” and “fat acceptance”. Your name and the words “healthy body image” will be synonymous. Need an example? Here you go.
3. Be aware of what is and is not socially acceptable. It is socially acceptable to judge a skinny woman based on her appearance alone, and tell her to eat something (preferably something filling or fattening). It is not acceptable, however, to even begin to suggest that a morbidly obese woman eat clean and exercise for her health’s sake. Trust me, even if you are sincere in your concern, this is one beast you do not want to awaken.
4. Remember: you, your fellow famous friends and the media are role models, not parents, teachers or guardians. You are largely (or even solely) responsible for how young women feel about their bodies, and using skinny models in your shows will only encourage them to develop body dysmorphia and eating disorders. You’re only begging to be harshly criticized if you hire skinny models.
5. Be aware of what is and is not real. Any woman below a size 8 is not real. She is a figment of your imagination. The only real women are those whose bodies are not lithe, toned or even slightly muscular, like those imaginary females you see in magazines and fashion shows. Get real. Use real women in your shows.
I do hope you take my advice to heart. I’ve liked you since your days as Posh Spice, and I mean well.
Also, maybe smile more often? Just a little? Don’t ever ask a real woman to smile, though. That’s offensive. Many real women suffer from a legitimate condition known as Resting Bitch Face (RBF). You, on the other hand, are filthy rich, world famous, and married to David Beckham. You have no reason to look like such a miserable cow 99% of the time.
And speaking of cows, eat a goddamned cheeseburger. Or 10.
A Real Woman