Wetter Than Normal

A little background — the following Tumblr screenshot popped up on my Facebook news feed yesterday:

As a person who loves mermaids, Disney and puns, I had to share it. This sparked several comments:

As you can see, I got a little carried away. Of course, it didn’t help that I’d been listening to classic musical numbers — think My Fair Lady, Singin’ in the Rain and The Sound of Music — all day, while occasionally prancing and pirouetting around the house.

When I realized I had promised to write a full Disney-style song about two human girls longing to become mermaids (essentially the antithesis of The Little Mermaid), my response, as it usually is in such situations, was “challenge accepted”. And so I did, overnight. I also assigned parts to both of us. This is what Disney would be like if it permitted more adult-oriented writing. Also, I feel I should mention that I only went down that route because of the subject matter discussed prior to writing this, although my gutter-dwelling mind did make the process that much easier.

And now, without further ado, I proudly present:

Wetter Than Normal

Cheryl
Everyday, I wake up and it’s the same as the last
The same routine, the same old scene
I want something more, something different from the past
But here on land, I’ve seen all there is to be seen

I’m supposed to be happy, walking around on two legs
Drinking in the sunshine, breathing the fresh air
But life on land makes me feel like drowning in the kegs
And I’ve never liked the sunlight…oh, how I long to be elsewhere!

Chorus
I wonder what it’s like to live beneath the sea
Just imagine — we could be completely free
No pants, no periods, perpetually perfect hair
And the power to lure men into our briny lair
Ariel wanted to be human; I could never fathom why
For far below the ocean is where my cold heart lies
No need to be formal, when we’re surrounded by coral
Deep within that salty void, we’ll be wetter than normal

Vanessa
We’ll have no need for money and no need for jobs
Why, we will enjoy a lifetime supply of free seafood!
Our friends, they may miss us and our mothers, they may sob
But we shall tell them not to worry — our new lives will be good

And if we ever miss the succulent taste of meat
We’ll just surface to seduce some sailors; that plan cannot fail
I hope the life aquatic will be wonderfully sweet
Then I would gladly trade these legs for an elegant fishtail

Chorus
I wonder what it’s like to live beneath the sea
Just imagine — we could be completely free
No pants, no periods, perpetually perfect hair
And the power to lure men into our briny lair
Ariel wanted to be human; I could never fathom why
For far below the ocean is where my cold heart lies
No need to be formal, when we’re surrounded by coral
Deep within that salty void, we’ll be wetter than normal

Bridge

Vanessa
But what about the sea witch, that dark legend of old?
I fear that she may trap us and her price will be our souls
The ancient tales tell of her black cave plagued by barnacles
Where she’ll bewitch you and ensnare you with her deathly tentacles

Cheryl
We must call upon her, anyway, so what’s the use in worrying?
She’ll grant our hearts’ desire, so we really should be hurrying
The only price is asexuality (at least in the human sense)
So cast your cares aside and we’ll live the life immense!

Chorus
I wonder what it’s like to live beneath the sea
Just imagine — we could be completely free
No pants, no periods, perpetually perfect hair
And the power to lure men into our briny lair
Ariel wanted to be human; I could never fathom why
For far below the ocean is where my cold heart lies
No need to be formal, when we’re surrounded by coral
Deep within that salty void, we’ll be wetter than normal